What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

While emptying a house, have you ever seen something in it that blew your mind?

I will be 64.

I was very sick at this time too.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Why am I not getting any atheists to debate with? Are they scared?

I waited trembling.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

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One cannot hold on to bitterness.

She found it foreign!.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

But ive been too sick for many years..

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

We were not on the streets..

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I never cut or harmed myself..

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

What does it mean when someone says "I'm feeling frisky"?

Why did i forgive my father ?

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Has your mother ever walked in on you at an inappropriate time?

It was going to be , some day.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

But it wasn’t much.

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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

So, i spoilt her more .

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Im dying but, im not bitter.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Would this be the day?

I was 9 years of age.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But, we were locked up after school.

I was seconnd youngest,

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

She married twice! .

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I did it because my mum asked me too!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Was to survive, this bastard.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

All the time i was locked up.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

He knew the spot.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

She wouldn,t have been !

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

This is soul school!.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Ive learnt so much.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

What did i know ?

I don,t even have a pension.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

My life is so biszare .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

And i lived it daily.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Especially a lifetime of it.

She loved him until the end.

Im still living with it.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I write beautiful poetry .

I said to her

Put me off passion for life!!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I couldn’t, believe it.

We all went to grammer schools

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I have no regrets .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Who then, do I blame.?

On the 31st of Jan this month .

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I was scared of men, in general

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

So whats the point in blame.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

One cannot live in the past .

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I think the readers, may guess!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I could never make a relationship work though!

She was in good health!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Comes on , in middle age.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

My family never makes their pension either.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

When she asked me how she looked .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!